Dear Diary,
It's Brian Cashman again. Oh God, I think there is something wrong with me! The blackouts are back and I don't remember yesterday at all.
Hank told me that I locked myself in the bathroom and stayed there the entire day and wouldn't talk to anyone. Then at midnight I yelled "WHO NEEDS COMPENSATORY DRAFT PICKS?! ARBITRATION FOR NOBODY!!" and left the building laughing like a maniac.
I don't remember any of it Diary. What if they get worse?
I'm so scared.
-Brian Cashman
P.S. I could really use a hug right now.
Wednesday, July 30th, evening
Dear Diary,
It's Brian Cashman again. I just woke up... I've been asleep for seven days... what the fuck happened?!
It's Brian Cashman again. I just woke up... I've been asleep for seven days... what the fuck happened?!
Wednesday, July 30th
Dear Diary,
It's Brian Cashman again. Ugh... as soon as I heard the news that Jorge had his season-ending surgery, I could feel the presence of Hank coming down the hall to tear me a new one. He's coming now... shit! I'm going to jump into the emergency exit hatch I had installed last week for just this case... come on diary, here we go!
...
Ugh, where am I? How long have I been unconscious? Wait, is that my cell phone ringing? Wow this a small phone... must be Japanese... hang on... Oh man diary, you will not believe this! Check out this conversation:
Me: Hello?
Dave: Hey Brian, it's Dave Dombrowski.
Me: Oh hey man, how goes it in Florida?
Dave: What do you mean? This isn't vacation time. I got a trade offer for you.
Me: OK I'm listening.
Dave: I want Kyle Farnsworth, and I'll give you Pudge.
Me: ...OK... [what the hell? Isn't Farnsworth a Cub? Did I trade for him? Did Freddy? Oh well, just roll with it] yeah that sounds good. You sure you won't miss Ivan?
Dave: Nah we got a backup. I'll send over the paperwork.
Me: Ooh, I might have to go to Kinkos to get that... Y2K really messed with our systems.
Dave: ...whatever. Just let me know where you need it.
I can't believe I got the reigning MVP for a guy who's not even on our team! I don't know what Dave was smoking, but fuck yeah!
-Brian Cashman
It's Brian Cashman again. Ugh... as soon as I heard the news that Jorge had his season-ending surgery, I could feel the presence of Hank coming down the hall to tear me a new one. He's coming now... shit! I'm going to jump into the emergency exit hatch I had installed last week for just this case... come on diary, here we go!
...
Ugh, where am I? How long have I been unconscious? Wait, is that my cell phone ringing? Wow this a small phone... must be Japanese... hang on... Oh man diary, you will not believe this! Check out this conversation:
Me: Hello?
Dave: Hey Brian, it's Dave Dombrowski.
Me: Oh hey man, how goes it in Florida?
Dave: What do you mean? This isn't vacation time. I got a trade offer for you.
Me: OK I'm listening.
Dave: I want Kyle Farnsworth, and I'll give you Pudge.
Me: ...OK... [what the hell? Isn't Farnsworth a Cub? Did I trade for him? Did Freddy? Oh well, just roll with it] yeah that sounds good. You sure you won't miss Ivan?
Dave: Nah we got a backup. I'll send over the paperwork.
Me: Ooh, I might have to go to Kinkos to get that... Y2K really messed with our systems.
Dave: ...whatever. Just let me know where you need it.
I can't believe I got the reigning MVP for a guy who's not even on our team! I don't know what Dave was smoking, but fuck yeah!
-Brian Cashman
Monday, July 28th
Dear Diary,
It's Brian Cashman again. I've been playing with my X-Men toys a lot lately, especially Professor X, when I realized how much I liked the name "Xavier"! I called my assistant in right away and asked him if there were any players named "Xavier" (by the way, my assistant's name is Freddy. No one else can see Freddy, only me).
So Freddy tells me there is this one guy named Xavier. I so totally have to have him! So I called my friend Nealy up and the conversation went something like this:
Me: "Nealy boy, what's up?"
Neal: "God Brian, I told you to stop calling me that!"
Me: "Say Nealy, I heard you got a guy on your team named Xavier. I have GOT to have him!"
Neal: "Xavier Nady?"
Me: "Xavier's not a lady, you silly! Give him to me!"
Neal: "He's our starting right fielder... what will you give me?"
Me: "Just gimme gimme gimme!"
Neal: "If I give you him, will you stop calling me 'Nealy'?"
Me: "Sure! You have have a Coke too! I'll let Freddy work out the details with you!" [click]
So yay! Now I have Xavier to play with! All I need now to to get Omar to give me Wagner so I can have Nightcrawler too!
-Brian Cashman
It's Brian Cashman again. I've been playing with my X-Men toys a lot lately, especially Professor X, when I realized how much I liked the name "Xavier"! I called my assistant in right away and asked him if there were any players named "Xavier" (by the way, my assistant's name is Freddy. No one else can see Freddy, only me).
So Freddy tells me there is this one guy named Xavier. I so totally have to have him! So I called my friend Nealy up and the conversation went something like this:
Me: "Nealy boy, what's up?"
Neal: "God Brian, I told you to stop calling me that!"
Me: "Say Nealy, I heard you got a guy on your team named Xavier. I have GOT to have him!"
Neal: "Xavier Nady?"
Me: "Xavier's not a lady, you silly! Give him to me!"
Neal: "He's our starting right fielder... what will you give me?"
Me: "Just gimme gimme gimme!"
Neal: "If I give you him, will you stop calling me 'Nealy'?"
Me: "Sure! You have have a Coke too! I'll let Freddy work out the details with you!" [click]
So yay! Now I have Xavier to play with! All I need now to to get Omar to give me Wagner so I can have Nightcrawler too!
-Brian Cashman
Saturday, July 5th
Dear Diary,
It's Brian Cashman again. I finally escaped the dungeon Hank had locked me in. It was so cold in there.... so cold.... game 4 of the 2004 ALCS was playing non stop... I can still feel it.... walk.... stolen base.... single.... tell me it's not real, it's just a memory! No!
Morning, May 27th
Dear Diary,
It's Brian Cashman again. I'm so scared... I'm hiding under my desk hoping that Hank doesn't find me. It doesn't matter that we won five in a row, losing to Baltimore because Joba wasn't available... Oh God...
I can hear his footsteps...
I'm so scared...
...
I think he's gone. I have to go find my teddy bear and change my pants.
-Brian Cashman
Morning, May 23, 2008
Dear Diary,
It's Brian Cashman again. Despite walking four guys (including that zero Bynum; how the hell do you walk Freddie Bynum?), Ian managed to not suck and we won the game. Hank slapped my ass this morning and shouted "Good job kid" at me. If he wasn't signing my paychecks I would snap his neck.
I'm going to drive around town with the top down today; I fucking deserve it.
-Brian Cashman
Evening, May 22nd, 2008
Dear Diary,
It's Brian Cashman again. God help me, I have to send that turd Ian Kennedy to the mound tonight. What a mouthy piece of shit that kid is. If he doesn't pitch well, I'll never hear the end of it; "Why didn't you trade for Santana?" "Kennedy is a rusty douche!" "What the fuck is wrong with you?" And those phone calls from Joel Sherman; that little shit couldn't manage a franchise if it was the '98 Yankees. I general managed the shit out of those guys.
Oh god, I can hear Hank and Hal coming down the hall; please don't let Hal have his cattle prod with him. Diary, I'm going to go hide in the visitor's clubhouse broom closet until 3AM.
-Brian Cashman
May 22nd, 2008
Dear Diary,
It's Brian Cashman again. Well, we finally won a game. It was only against Baltimore, but I think Hank will be off my back, at least until the next loss. He's making me move Joba to the rotation now... why did I ever think The Boss's sons would be any better?
I swear, one of these days I'm going to kill all of the Steinbrunners.
-Brian Cashman
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